2010 feels different.

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

So its 2010. What a year ‘that’ was. I came a long way from who I was, to who I really am.
Self discovery. A year of travel, a year of love, a big year of breaking and a total year of self realisation.
I learnt what I really want in my life, what I like, don’t like and how to have a good time and take what I want without thinking of everyone else first for a change. That’s right, no more apologies for nothing.
There were mistakes made and decisions, if I could make again I would do differently. But I wouldn’t change them now.
Now I have learnt every lesson that has been so graciously hand delivered good or bad – Thank you kindly to those playing at home. …And they’ve truly contributed to who and what I want to be.

I don’t yet know what I want from this year ahead and yes, it kind of scares me a little for a change. For a big damn change. I actaully feel like I have woken up from a long sleep and the bed is icy cold.
Its time to get moving on with things, learning new lessons, techniques and styles of life to fit me. Not you. not him. Not them.
Im not quite the person I was last year and Im still trying to make that work for everything around me. Trying to get others to understand that this is me, is actually a little more difficult than it sounds.

I am designing again and it feels right. The work is real, no more thrilling than expected but Im determined to climb this wirey, long ladder and find whatever is at the top waiting for me. …And that ladies and gentlemen excites ‘ME’.

Soldier on. This is who I am and this year, wherever the hell it came from has a
theme. Fighting for what I want. Who I am and what I need.
I’ll get there anyway I see fit. There’s no turning back because here it is.

You just know now. You just do.

Written words and perfect pictures.

All of a sudden.

Everything that you do is not original.
throughout the history of this world
someone has experienced what you are feeling.
Written the same thing
Having the same thoughts.
But I just feel alone right now.

Everything that you see will influence you
And every person you have talked to
has filled a part of your mind.
…How did I ever let myself get this involved?

There is a vacant hole in my mind,
just waiting for the right memory
the feeling of the moment
to fill it,
the factor.
That keeps me going.

Sure I have people and things
that i depend on – and I didn’t realise how much.

But in the end it seems like it will leave,
and something else will take its place.
Just how far is it?

All it does to my mind
is cause a cloud of
something that is grey.

Oddly and wholely for this time.
It was that little nugget that would fill that space.
well…I’m not sure, but you’re not there anymore.
And i cant describe it to anyone else.
not like i really want to.
It just was.

All I want
is for it to just be there,

And to stop being broken.

<3

Sometimes the heart
Should follow the mind.

Sometimes the heart
Should tell the mind to
Stay at home and
Stop interfering.

…Just sometimes.

The countdown begins.

There comes a point in life where you either accept whatever you’re doing here and just exist, or stop talking about what you used to be and do something about it.
Its time to make that choice.

What to do.

All I ever wanted was to know what to do…
I’ve been paralyzed by the quiet,
and for a moment something spoke to me,
and I came here,
Driftwood from the heart.
Intermittently there were answers.
Intermittently there was a sweet chorus
and it sang to me
and pointed to all the right paths,
I was watching and approving and took it by the hand.
But just as often,
there was silence,
A hidden mystery of still, of limbo.
So I stood blinking under the sun,
Under the black velvet sky,
All I have to think of is what to do next.
What’s coming next?

Backwards thoughts; Forward thinking

Be the other one.
The bigger one.
The bolder one. The braver one. You’ve come this far.
The one that calls back, asks on dates, makes the choice, that finishes the milk, that uses the hot water up and that takes the blame.

Be the captain, cook dinner from a microwave box.
Do whatever you want – you can you know, you don’t have to tell everyone that they are ‘looking well’.
Have the last chocolate – the one everyone wanted. Even if its licorice or strawberry cream or out of date…EAT IT.
Draw a moustache on your face for work tomorrow – be the one that taps your pen at meetings. Hurry up. Say sorry. Be the world changes we need, be the closet arranger, the piss-taker, the start over in another country, the ‘fall asleep on the tube till the last stop’.
Refuse to fake tan, don’t wear fluro. Just don’t wear it.
Be the investigator. Pay the bill, accept the predictable, learn an instrument – even if its just the recorder… or £3 harmonica.
Snore. Wear boxers, shower in cold water, change your mind whenever you like.
Don’t dress up at a fancy dress party. Say “Shut-up!” and DO expect it back.
Eat sugar sandwiches and cupcakes and drink someone else’s coffee. It tastes better.

Never say never. “Yes your ass looks fucking huge in that.”
…Sorry about earlier; I was a bit brash. Don’t save cash. Take your top off at the beach. Leave it on in the pubs. Have three. Stay out till dawn.
Say ‘hate’ if you want too. Don’t say ‘random’ (…work on it). Crunch ice.
Own up to having a crush. Its all irrelevant. Say it out loud, search for something more and don’t be afraid to take two steps back. It is in fact two steps closer to where you’re going. Wherever that is.
Change the rules as you go along, draw outside of the lines. Guides get you nowhere. Use ideas, don’t be afraid. Wake up early; there’s decisions to be made.

(Streaming thoughts, ideas and dreams. Thankyou.)

One step up and two steps back…

You wanna know what living life to the fullest actually is?

It’s waking up on Monday morning with no complaints.
It’s knowing you always deserve to laugh.
It’s doing what feels right no matter what. Doing what you want regardless of how stupid you look.
Its following your heart and not worrying about the mistakes you made.
Admitting that you’ve changed your mind.
It’s about being yourself, because no one can tell you you’re doing it wrong.

So it begins… A new idea.

Knocking on doors

I just want *something*.  That special something other than what I have exactly at hand. I can almost see it from the corner of my eye, but it’s feeling like a peripheral delusion at the moment.

If I ever just stopped to look around and see that everything I ever needed was right here, right now, I would never really get anywhere. I sure as hell wouldn’t be in London.
I constantly fight myself with ‘what to do with my life’, and it’s silly really, because what I’m doing with my life *is* simply searching. I know deep down what I want and I’m chasing it. I know it doesn’t happen overnight.

Sometimes it feels like the harder I search though, the tighter everything gets, the more locked and sealed all the ‘windows’ are – like some over complicated sailing knot called The Fisherman’s Eye (don’t run off to Wikipedia now, I made that up). But it seems the harder I try the less I get there.

But where is there?

I’ve been a graphic designer since 2004. And I’ve been fighting for it, for just as long.
Fighting to find the perfect job, the perfect ideas, against the digital world (as many of you know) and fighting myself on occasion too.

There is something in all this uplift and confrontation – all this bitching and moaning (that I am currently pursuing quite well), that actually makes me *feel* alive.

Known fact. It is harder than it looks… Commitment.
A commitment to working on my life and to sticking with something when the going gets rough in this new place.
C O M M I T M E N T. Bah… How boring.  Doesn’t commitment mean same old, same old? Here it comes… BOREDOM.
Bang.

So what am I afraid of? I fear boredom, of not having anything to do, of finding myself at a loss, of being lost within myself, of disconnecting, of losing drive and soul for it all. Although I know it wont happen like that.
So far the fighting and finding – is far to strong-winded and ‘loved up’ to let anything stand in the way.

Which draws me to a quote that’s sort of moved me this week, from a book called The Artist’s Way.

“We say we are scared by failure, but what frightens us more is the possibility of success.”
- Julia Cameron

I can be a little terrified of the critics who will tell me I don’t fit the ideal. Of the big time professional agencies and the creative director of ‘X’ company that receives my folio and just doesn’t get back. Especially here in a city of many closed doors. Well, I no longer want to be afraid.

So you out there requesting applications, when you get to work in the morning, coffee in hard and morning traffic on your mind, check your inbox with a little love.

The rest of you,  …cross your fingers for me?

Words in Golden Silence

When I read a newspaper, listen to the radio or overhear what people are saying in a cafe as I walk by, I often feel an aversion, even disappointment sometimes at the same words written and spoken over and over-

at the same time expressions, phrases and metaphors repeated. And the worst is, when I listen to myself I have to admit that I can endlessly repeat the same things. They’re so horribly frayed and threadbare, these words, worn down by constant use.

Do they still have any meaning?

Naturally, words have a function; people act on them, they laugh, they cry, they go left or right, the waiter brings the coffee or tea. But thats not what I want to ask.

The question is, are they still expressions of thoughts? Or only effective sounds that drive people in one direction or the other.
I don’t know if its the same language spoken in a different tone, accent or what have you. But it lets you listen a little closer I guess.