Written words and perfect pictures.

All of a sudden.

Everything that you do is not original.
throughout the history of this world
someone has experienced what you are feeling.
Written the same thing
Having the same thoughts.
But I just feel alone right now.

Everything that you see will influence you
And every person you have talked to
has filled a part of your mind.
…How did I ever let myself get this involved?

There is a vacant hole in my mind,
just waiting for the right memory
the feeling of the moment
to fill it,
the factor.
That keeps me going.

Sure I have people and things
that i depend on – and I didn’t realise how much.

But in the end it seems like it will leave,
and something else will take its place.
Just how far is it?

All it does to my mind
is cause a cloud of
something that is grey.

Oddly and wholely for this time.
It was that little nugget that would fill that space.
well…I’m not sure, but you’re not there anymore.
And i cant describe it to anyone else.
not like i really want to.
It just was.

All I want
is for it to just be there,

And to stop being broken.

<3

Sometimes the heart
Should follow the mind.

Sometimes the heart
Should tell the mind to
Stay at home and
Stop interfering.

…Just sometimes.

The countdown begins.

There comes a point in life where you either accept whatever you’re doing here and just exist, or stop talking about what you used to be and do something about it.
Its time to make that choice.

What to do.

All I ever wanted was to know what to do…
I’ve been paralyzed by the quiet,
and for a moment something spoke to me,
and I came here,
Driftwood from the heart.
Intermittently there were answers.
Intermittently there was a sweet chorus
and it sang to me
and pointed to all the right paths,
I was watching and approving and took it by the hand.
But just as often,
there was silence,
A hidden mystery of still, of limbo.
So I stood blinking under the sun,
Under the black velvet sky,
All I have to think of is what to do next.
What’s coming next?

Backwards thoughts; Forward thinking

Be the other one.
The bigger one.
The bolder one. The braver one. You’ve come this far.
The one that calls back, asks on dates, makes the choice, that finishes the milk, that uses the hot water up and that takes the blame.

Be the captain, cook dinner from a microwave box.
Do whatever you want – you can you know, you don’t have to tell everyone that they are ‘looking well’.
Have the last chocolate – the one everyone wanted. Even if its licorice or strawberry cream or out of date…EAT IT.
Draw a moustache on your face for work tomorrow – be the one that taps your pen at meetings. Hurry up. Say sorry. Be the world changes we need, be the closet arranger, the piss-taker, the start over in another country, the ‘fall asleep on the tube till the last stop’.
Refuse to fake tan, don’t wear fluro. Just don’t wear it.
Be the investigator. Pay the bill, accept the predictable, learn an instrument – even if its just the recorder… or £3 harmonica.
Snore. Wear boxers, shower in cold water, change your mind whenever you like.
Don’t dress up at a fancy dress party. Say “Shut-up!” and DO expect it back.
Eat sugar sandwiches and cupcakes and drink someone else’s coffee. It tastes better.

Never say never. “Yes your ass looks fucking huge in that.”
…Sorry about earlier; I was a bit brash. Don’t save cash. Take your top off at the beach. Leave it on in the pubs. Have three. Stay out till dawn.
Say ‘hate’ if you want too. Don’t say ‘random’ (…work on it). Crunch ice.
Own up to having a crush. Its all irrelevant. Say it out loud, search for something more and don’t be afraid to take two steps back. It is in fact two steps closer to where you’re going. Wherever that is.
Change the rules as you go along, draw outside of the lines. Guides get you nowhere. Use ideas, don’t be afraid. Wake up early; there’s decisions to be made.

(Streaming thoughts, ideas and dreams. Thankyou.)

You may say I’m a dreamer…

When I was a girl, they told me to be practical, But I was a dreamer.

No misgiving, the fire of dreams getting higher, flames spreading to the bedroom windows, kindling in my soul, a smoldering fire. And down burned a house of doubt, a place of skepticism and realism, all lost to that fire.

Dreams replace doubt, the way spring replaces winter, and winter, autumn. The eye cannot see, what the heart promises.

Dreamers start to dream, and see, not only in black and white, but real, living colors. We see potential and possibility. We are skies without end, wild horses without reins. We are your sister, your brother and your friend. We are the bumbling man in the corner store, the forsaken beggar in the street, the woman in white sitting outside a church, formless beneath her dress. We are in regions of terror, in sprawling forests, on big city cobblestones, through unbroken fields, where grass stands above my summer skinned knees. We walk through this fire, the torches of others, scorching our skin, but never the soul, and with dreams that are akin to the wings of a phoenix bird, we rise from surrounding ashes.

And I go on, wherever it may be, because the future is now mine, and I’m not afraid. I go on, because I believe in better days. And the chances, I will take them.

When I was a girl, they told me to be practical… But I chose to be this dreamer.

One step up and two steps back…

You wanna know what living life to the fullest actually is?

It’s waking up on Monday morning with no complaints.
It’s knowing you always deserve to laugh.
It’s doing what feels right no matter what. Doing what you want regardless of how stupid you look.
Its following your heart and not worrying about the mistakes you made.
Admitting that you’ve changed your mind.
It’s about being yourself, because no one can tell you you’re doing it wrong.

So it begins… A new idea.

Ain’t no easy way.

These are uncertain times in a city like London, but what times are certain, anywhere?

Usually, the fascinating things in life are volatile. In your life, and hopefully mine to some. And I’d endeavour to say that the best things that can happen to us are typically the result of something else completely out of our control. …Whatever lies down the beaten track.
I don’t know about anyone else playing at home, but to me that’s equal parts mysterious, liberating and daunting.

There are loads of challenges ahead, I know. I’ve always known. But, I will promise myself if I keep focused and use the aptitude gained from my passion, everything will eventually be ok. Sounds just about right doesn’t it?
It’s kind of like my own slice of mental paradise, hidden away from the insanity of the rat race.

But let me roll off into a tangent for just a moment.
Because ultimately, my time in London is not a time for rose-tinted glasses. There are real obstacles that have to be overcome sooner rather than later. …I am on a countdown here. There’s a ton of annoying, obtuse stuff that unfortunately was inevitable with the idea of moving to London. That’s ok, I’m happy to try to overcome it, but for now, at the risk of sounding ‘oh so’ cliché, I have to play the rough hand that I’ve been dealt.

To continue my lazy metaphor, I should lay all my cards on the table and tear off my band-aids. I’m here and looking for a comfy chair in design. And this economy sucks. (I know, my timing is sensational).
The right job may not come quickly. Not many people are hiring. I may not even get a job; a degree, talent and experience don’t equal a shiny new job when 300 others are THE competition. Welcome to the wide world of failure.

One of the most important bits of knowledge I have developed from my learning so far is that failure cannot be driven out of life, especially in anyone’s creative life. Failure is really ok. In fact, I’ve come to expect it. Failure is how we learn to get better. And if anyone is not in this profession to learn and to get better, then go home. There are too many designers here as it is.

More than anything for myself, the best boat that will weather this big London storm is passion. Passion trumps all other traits mentioned above, because I say so. And I’m writing this.
Why you ask? Because it has resilience and determination. Being passionate, I will not turn my back on the thing that I love and dream about. I will make it through. Regardless of what loans I owe to who, how much cash is in my pockets or even what I eat for dinner every night.
I am possibly part of a small group of people left on this planet that not only remembers how to make stuff, but actually considers it a part of my well-being and my life. Yeah, on occasion I eat, sleep and breathe design. If your part of this group, you’ll get it.

Designers are ‘idea people’, but our effectiveness is based on the making of those ideas and getting them (or ourselves) out there. There is no right or wrong time to combat any of this economy.
Passion like the person you are, needs to breathe. Its time to roll up my sleeves and get to work. …Wherever I land next.

Knocking on doors

I just want *something*.  That special something other than what I have exactly at hand. I can almost see it from the corner of my eye, but it’s feeling like a peripheral delusion at the moment.

If I ever just stopped to look around and see that everything I ever needed was right here, right now, I would never really get anywhere. I sure as hell wouldn’t be in London.
I constantly fight myself with ‘what to do with my life’, and it’s silly really, because what I’m doing with my life *is* simply searching. I know deep down what I want and I’m chasing it. I know it doesn’t happen overnight.

Sometimes it feels like the harder I search though, the tighter everything gets, the more locked and sealed all the ‘windows’ are – like some over complicated sailing knot called The Fisherman’s Eye (don’t run off to Wikipedia now, I made that up). But it seems the harder I try the less I get there.

But where is there?

I’ve been a graphic designer since 2004. And I’ve been fighting for it, for just as long.
Fighting to find the perfect job, the perfect ideas, against the digital world (as many of you know) and fighting myself on occasion too.

There is something in all this uplift and confrontation – all this bitching and moaning (that I am currently pursuing quite well), that actually makes me *feel* alive.

Known fact. It is harder than it looks… Commitment.
A commitment to working on my life and to sticking with something when the going gets rough in this new place.
C O M M I T M E N T. Bah… How boring.  Doesn’t commitment mean same old, same old? Here it comes… BOREDOM.
Bang.

So what am I afraid of? I fear boredom, of not having anything to do, of finding myself at a loss, of being lost within myself, of disconnecting, of losing drive and soul for it all. Although I know it wont happen like that.
So far the fighting and finding – is far to strong-winded and ‘loved up’ to let anything stand in the way.

Which draws me to a quote that’s sort of moved me this week, from a book called The Artist’s Way.

“We say we are scared by failure, but what frightens us more is the possibility of success.”
- Julia Cameron

I can be a little terrified of the critics who will tell me I don’t fit the ideal. Of the big time professional agencies and the creative director of ‘X’ company that receives my folio and just doesn’t get back. Especially here in a city of many closed doors. Well, I no longer want to be afraid.

So you out there requesting applications, when you get to work in the morning, coffee in hard and morning traffic on your mind, check your inbox with a little love.

The rest of you,  …cross your fingers for me?